We’re waiting again. 33 weeks along with little Winona Joy, and we’re trusting and waiting. They’ve watched everything closely for the entire pregnancy, and just recently have seen some things to cause concern. We won’t know for a while.
Poor Sam wasn’t there for this appointment, or the one where Clive’s heart problems were detected. He’s missed just a few appointments, and these were them. The doctor was one we saw with Clive. He’s so committed to us and I could tell it was hurting him to tell me. Call it God’s peace or complete shock, but I just sat there and nodded and gave a small smile and said “it’s okay.”
Because, really, it is. We’ve been down this road, and we know that it is okay. It could resolve or heal or cause no further complications, or it could be a long road ahead. But we’re ready for that, or as ready as we can be. When Clive was sick, we had to constantly re-adjust ourselves and prepare for the potentials. We were ready for a kid who needed to go to the hospital all the time. We were ready for developmental problems due to the cardiac arrest. We were ready for his little feet and hand to not have restored function after loss of blood flow. We were ready for long-term use of monitors and equipment. We were ready to learn how to listen to his heart and learn how to administer medicine. And ultimately, we were ready to trust God regardless of outcome.
Yet, we hope. Preparation does not mean we’ve given up hope, it just means we’ve surrendered. It’s good to be reminded of that. There’s times I think back on our days in the hospital with Clive, especially nearing the end, and I wonder if I really believed there could be healing. I’ve wrestled with guilt, wondering if I lacked faith. I’ve worked through that, but nothing could help me understand those emotions better than being seated again in the wait. Praying for healing is hard, and it’s a balance between two very important things–surrender to God’s sovereign will AND believing in his power and ability to heal. I worried that my personality lends itself more to give up and surrender, bracing for the worst. But in these moments I’m reminded that I never did give up hope, just as I still won’t in this new situation. Preparedness and surrender still allows so much room for the belief in His power.
A couple months ago, we picked out this song to be Winnie’s Song. It is even more fitting now. We’re praying for our little one, and we’re trusting God to sing us a new song with her beautiful life.