There were times I thought “I couldn’t survive if ____ or ____ happened.” I mostly thought of compounded loss–losing Sam or our next child.
Yesterday, while worshiping God at church, I felt struck with a feeling of peace. The thought of giving everything up entered my mind, and my heart accepted it. Not in forfeit, or defeat. Not in bitterness or anger, but in peace. In trust that God has walked with me in the shadow of the valley of death and He walks with me still.
It’s easier to be open-handed when it’s out of your control. In our 10 days in the PICU, I remember sitting there feeling all my strength and dependence was in the Lord. There was nothing I could do but fall into his Father arms and trust. I had no strength left, no control.
I long to live that way all the time, even in the moments when it seems I have a semblance of control. It comes easier in things that I do not value as much– money, possessions. There is such temporary significance in them, often even a burden from them.
But living open-handed in relationships with those I love is hard. Trusting God to guide and provide, direct and redirect. Trusting him in major life changes. Trusting him in things that it seems I can control. Trusting him in life and death. Even trusting him in death yet again.
The broken, complete dependence on God is where I long to be. Carried by him through the valleys and mountaintops, through the desert and seashores. I pray I don’t have to lose everything or anyone, but I trust Him in the midst of that prayer. I trust him because this earth is not my home, just a temporary residence.
Hebrews 13:14 (NLT)
For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.
2 Corinthians 5:4 (NLT)
While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.
Here’s an excerpt from a story that resonates with me so deeply.
(If you haven’t read Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard, take a minute to go back and read this post with a longer excerpt: http://www.clivewins.com/2015/07/detour-through-desert.html)
“I can’t go down there,” panted Much-Afraid, sick with shock and fear. “He can never mean that—never! He called me up to the High Places and this is an absolute contradiction of all that he promised.”